Two Uses for Ashes

"The ashes of my dear departed?" said

The widow, serving tea and cakes at five

Five days after the funeral. "I contrive

To house them aptly. No, not lapped in lead.

See, they are in an eggtimer instead,

There on the mantelpiece. Ah, ladies, I've

Determined, since he did no work alive,

The lazy pig shall do some now he's dead."

One widow took her man's remains as snuff,

Achieving an orgasmic kind of sneeze.

She said: "The bugger's appetite was rough.

He hentered, without even saying please,

My bother hapertures. Enough's enough.

But as he's dead I'll not begrudge him these."